


fissure

by withoutwords



Series: Ballum Tumblr Fics [18]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Deaf Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:55:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27892672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withoutwords/pseuds/withoutwords
Summary: Usually just the sight of Callum can settle him down. But there’s a grinding ache and tension at his spine that he just can’t shake off.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: Ballum Tumblr Fics [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2040865
Kudos: 62





	fissure

**Author's Note:**

> prompt fill for insecure and sad Ben.

Lexi’s been pressing at the remote for five minutes now, trying to find subtitles. Lola’s trying to tell Ben something about school, and teacher meetings, and she’s talking too fast that he doesn’t understand her. He’s got a banging headache from reading and working on his phone or iPad or computer all day, and he goes to put the kettle on and burns his hand.

It’s already boiled.

“ _Fuck_!” he feels himself yell, right from his gut, though it doesn’t make him feel any better. Lola just gives him a filthy look as she drags him to the tap to run his hand under cold water.

 _You right?_ she says. _Ya daughter’s in there._

“Yes, I know Lo. _I know_.”

Ben watches her gaze cross the room, and he follows it to where Callum has just walked in. He ducks his head, feeling a lot less angry all of a sudden. A lot more pathetic.

When he looks up again, Callum is standing where Lola had been. _Alright?_

“I’m fine,” Ben snaps, shutting off the water. “Just got it on the kettle.”

He goes to try making a cup of tea again, turning to ask Callum if he wants one. Callum just shakes his head.

Usually just the sight of Callum can settle him down. But there’s a grinding ache and tension at his spine that he just can’t shake off. The simmering just under his skin.

When Callum grabs his shoulders, Ben feels his body seize up. “Don’t,” he grits out, his jaw clenched, looking to see Callum say,

_Hey, Ben,_

“I can’t today, alright? I can’t look at you and watch you talk and do sign language and be perfect, I can’t handle it.”

 _Okay, we won’t talk,_ Callum says with his hands out flat. _We’ll just sit._

“Why? What’s the point, Callum?” Ben yells, stepping back to make more space. He’s like a rolling stone, gaining speed, gaining force, but he can’t stop, he doesn’t know how. “Don’t you want to go home to someone you can just talk normally to? Don’t you want something else, something more?”

 _I want_ you, Callum tells him slowly, patiently, and Christ why is he so patient. _I love you._

“Stop saying that. You say it over and over but what’s it mean?You love _this_?” Ben hits himself in the chest, losing breath. “How? How can you love coming home and not knowing if I’m going to wanna kiss you or hit you or run away?”

_Because you’re mine. Good or bad, you’re mine, and I ain’t just giving up on you._

“But I’m giving up on myself!” Ben tells him, and he knows the tears are starting now, he feels one roll down his cheek. “You loved me before this, when I was a whole person-”

 _No_ , Callum breaks the space between them, grabbing at Ben’s elbows. _No, don’t do that. You are a whole person. You’re Ben Mitchell. Just ‘cause you’re deaf don’t mean you ain’t worth it. It don’t mean you ain’t my whole world, alright?_

Ben sobs, ducking his head, but Callum brings a hand over to tip his face up by his chin. _You’re allowed to be sad. And angry. And you’re allowed to have a hard time, yeah? But don’t you tell me you ain’t the man I love no more. Don’t you do that. Because I love you. And I always will._

Ben lets Callum pull him in, collapsing into his embrace and crying into his shoulder.

“I don’t know what to do,” he gasps into Callum’s ear, but Callum just wraps his arms around Ben tighter. Ben anchors himself around Callum.

He does know, that Callum loves him. He believes it.

And he knows that whatever happens next, Callum will be there beside him.

Just like he always has.


End file.
